He was sick of lying and tired of living a
double life. Jack needed to tell his dad he was gay.
It was a matter of finding the courage.
Whiskey gave him the confidence to conquer
his shame and fear. Eight shots of Canadian Mist numbed him
for the expected rejection.
Through slurred words and tears, the
36-year-old deli worker from Palatine confessed his secret.
The reaction surprised him. Jack's
drinking, not being gay, was his dad's biggest concern.
A blurb in a local paper led Jack to
recovery. He said his life was saved when he found a group
called A Way Out.
The Alcoholics Anonymous chapter in
Libertyville is the only one in Lake County with a mission
to reach gays. Its purpose is to "carry the AA message
of recovery from alcoholism to the alcoholic who still
suffers and to provide a safe haven for the gay as well as
the straight community of alcoholics.."
It is one of 33 others in the state
focusing on the gay alcoholic. Beyond Chicago, groups are
meeting in Palatine, Naperville, Winfield, Lombard,
Hinsdale, Geneva and Joliet. The number of all types of AA
groups in the Chicago area numbers nearly 4,000.
Marking its fourth anniversary, A Way Out
has grown from just four people to more than 40 at its last
meeting. Nearly 70 showed up to an informational gathering
recently.
Members say the group's reputation for
"open mindedness" and a "hard core" commitment to the AA
principles is drawing straight and gay people from all parts
of the county.
"This is a place where you know you'll be
embraced," said founding member Linda.
A Way Out's members say they've worked
hard to create a safe, compassionate environment for gays
that may not exist in straight groups.
The group doesn't keep track of which
members are gay or straight, but organizers guess it's about
equally divided right now.
"Nobody gets labeled in this group," Linda
explained. "Openness and inclusiveness are part of the
climate here. People can be comfortable in their own skin."
Therapists working with gay alcoholics say
a recovery group where people can be truthful about who they
are is essential.
"If a gay person doesn't feel free to talk
about problems with their lover, they're in the wrong
group," says Dr. Sheppard Kominars. The author of the book
"Accepting Ourselves and Others," the San Fransisco-based
doctor has been running recovery workshops for gays,
lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered since 1982.
"Dishonesty about who you are intensifies
the problem," Kominars said.
Jack's self-anesthetic is common for those
in the gay community. In many cases, the stress from living
dual lives and the resulting guilt pushes many to the
bottle.
There are studies claiming the rate of
alcoholism among gays to be three times higher than
straights. But the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and
Alcoholism says there hasn't been a large enough nationwide
survey to prove the case either way.
Experts say the stigma of being gay in a
straight society contributes to a sense of disgrace for
some.
"Nothing drives addiction more than
shame," said Joe Amico, president of National Association of
Lesbian and Gay Addiction Professionals. "You can't be gay
in this society and not carry some level of shame."
A Way Out member, Janet, agrees. "People
look down on us," said the 44-year-old Libertyville
resident. "We hear the slurs -- the effeminate tone of voice
-- the ‘that's so gay' line."
Janet says she was tired of people asking
her why she's not married, and getting drunk took the edge
off.
"It made me comfortable," she said.
"Drinking gave me the courage to be myself. It was those
times I'd feel strong enough to admit I was gay."
Jack admits it's gotten easier to be
"out," especially because TV shows involving gay characters
are more popular. However, the shows often worsen
stereotypes.
"I don't know a thing about fashion -- or
how to wear your hair. When my friends realized that I
wasn't like ‘Jack' on ‘Will and Grace,' they were
disappointed," he said.
Both Jack and Janet said people outside
the gay community don't understand how stressful hiding is.
"How many gay couples do you see walking
hand-in-hand at the mall -- or how about at church?" Janet
said. "We're hiding the whole time. We don't feel safe in
this society."
But members are also quick to say blaming
others for their addiction runs counter to core AA
principles. "I take full responsibility for my drinking
problem," Jack said.
The straight people who join A Way Out say
they're drawn by how well the AA program is run and its
emphasis on recovery.
"I couldn't care less about someone's
sexual orientation," said Don. "The quality of sobriety and
practicing the AA principles outweigh any sexual agenda."
Alcoholics Anonymous has developed other
specialized groups focusing on pilots, doctors, hearing
impaired and atheists.
Janet says she appreciates the
gay-friendly atmosphere, but sobriety is the chief issue.
"We are so strong in the AA traditions,"
she said. "We're about recovering from alcoholism, that's
our primary mission."
