The Five Stages of Drunkenness
by D.S., Ithaca, NY - in the August 2002 Grapevine
Stage 1 SMART
You suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You
know you know everything, and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone
who will listen. At this stage, you are always RIGHT, and of course, the
person you are talking to is very WRONG. The argument gets even more
interesting when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 GOOD-LOOKING
At this stage, you realize that you are the BEST-LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing he or she fancies you and really wants to talk to you. Bear in
mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of
money parked right outside. You can also make bets at this stage, because,
of course, you're still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
And it doesn't matter how much you bet, because you are RICH. You will
also buy drinks for everyone you fancy, because you are now not only RICH
but the BEST-LOOKING person in town as well.
Stage 4 BULLETPROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing
can hurt you. At this point, you also can go up to the partners of the
people you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have
no fear of losing, because you're SMART, you're RICH and, hell, you're
BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on the table to impress
the people you fancy, because the other people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the people who want to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
hear you either. And because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
